One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
damn he’s good
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”