One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.