One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.