One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay