One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Just me and my debit card against the world
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup