One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
