One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I didn’t know they can drive…
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I have never related to a cat more
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
mariah carrie
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before