One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”