Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Ugh

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first