one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
