one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The little toadstool has spoken.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
