One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You Might Also Like
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.