One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You Might Also Like
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*