Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Waiting for the Charmin

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.