Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.