One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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Woke up against my better judgement again
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You don’t even know
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.