@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

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@TheHarmonster

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

@osigat

? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

@JohnLyonTweets

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@Megatronic13

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.