One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.


Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.


When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy


? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ?

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.


My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.