One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.![]()
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday