Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

🤣

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated