One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
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Me irl
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower