Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

Netflix: We have Less

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*