one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
#MeanwhileInCanada
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
just arby’s bein’ a bro
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
thoughts?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no