Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn