One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
#Caturday
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa