One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
This is hilarious
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral