one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
