one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
