one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
