One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.