One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.