One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You Might Also Like
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.