One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.