Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes