Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

sugar glider wrangler

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

#Caturday

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]