Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

“Send dunes!”

– some dyslexic guy

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

I can’t wait!

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547