Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

😂😂

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.