@JasonBanksComic

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

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@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

@TwoSapphiresBlu

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.

-me as a therapist

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

@AnOrangeSNES

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@creamygoodness_

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@HenpeckedHal

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy