My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Adopt 25 cats and you’ll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.
-me as a therapist
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Wonder Woman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy