One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
wow he looks just like him
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?