Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

⛄️

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Canadian owl: Eh?

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come