Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

crochet youtube is brutal

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.