one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.