one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying