Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.