One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
happy valentine’s day to me
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…