Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

My inexpensive home security system…

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.