Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

No, YOUR illiterate.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

I unironically love this joke.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.