one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
incredible
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
