one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My sex drive has a dui
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Thursday
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
