one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
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thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
R.I.P.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year