one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Matthew was born for this.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
