one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sorry. Not sorry
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Seems a bit forward
