one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Netflix: We have Less
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
She was REALLY feeling it.
