Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

*checks Timeline*…

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.