One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.