One of my favorite lines — and I forget who said it — was referring to lighting characters in a dark forest.
“Why do we have lights on these characters in the forest? Where is the light coming from?” and the lighting guy said “The same place as the music!”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Taco Bell, Exit 22
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
