One of my favorite lines — and I forget who said it — was referring to lighting characters in a dark forest.
“Why do we have lights on these characters in the forest? Where is the light coming from?” and the lighting guy said “The same place as the music!”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
