One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
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I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.