Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently