One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
You Might Also Like
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
u spoke cat all this time??????
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
work smarter, not harder
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.