Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room