One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Labreador
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
😭😭
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Church Pugh’s
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers