One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wow 🤣