One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
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Untitled Goose Game (2019)
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
long lost
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Lube but for my dry humor.