Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Worth remembering.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Customer is always right

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.