One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
birds and squirrels envy us
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Fruity
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.