One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
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The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*struts into the new year
~ trips
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Spa day..😅
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.