Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

🤣

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.