One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.