Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

happy valentine’s day to me

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.