One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When your man makes a valid point
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year