Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.